Reader, I remember The Adventures of Guonacoman, a book about a TV series about a half man, half guanaco by Ben Pobjie like it was only yesterday, which it was. I’m not very good at remembering names, especially the names of actors, celebrities, close friends, parents, so for the entire book I was thinking that Kirsten Dunst was really Kirstie Alley, the reference to 18 tonnes of sour cream made me think this, but anyway thinking Kirsten was really Kirstie just made the whole thing even funnier because really I still have no idea who Kirsten is
Reader sits on seat outside her child’s ballet class. She puts down an open thermos mug of Milo on the chair, stands to pull her trousers up. Sitting down causes a ripple effect on the seat and her Milo torpedoes off the seat and all over the carpet. She tries to mop it up with a tissue and creates a nice circle of lumpy Milo tissue bits on the carpet. Bob Dylan stands on the Milo circle and begins dropping cue cards that read:
‘the reader’
‘is reading’
‘the adventures’
‘of’
‘guanacoman’
We see the reader get a book out of her bag. The title on the book is, bet you didn’t see this coming, ‘The Adventures of Guanacoman’
Reader (inner monologue)
A brachiosaurus avalanche (laugh laugh)… (later) oh I didn’t know you could do that with a maglite… yes! I want to slap his face and step on his glasses too!… (laughter, anger, fear, tears, disgust, relief, joy, more laughter hah et cetera et cetera and soforth)
We see the reader laughing dementedly in the corner
Reader
(stares sincerely into the camera) You should definitely buy this book here. I did and I’ve never had so much fun. My teeth are much whiter too (smiles, showing dazzling white teeth). It has lots of foreign locations and nudity. Frankly I can’t understand why this is not on SBS or the Ten Network. This would be a wonderful replacement for either Big Love or Big Brother
18 responses so far ↓
1 Matilda // Jul 30, 2008 at 4:09 pm
‘This would be a wonderful replacement for either Big Love or Big Brother’
So now I’m confused - if its a wonderful replacement for those shows (one of which I think is rubbish and the other quite intriguing - you guess which), does that mean it would be wonderful because its along the same lines or wonderful because its so very different?
I’m thick tonight (let’s blame it on sour cream).
p.s. Kirsten Dunst was the vampire child and superman’s girlfriend. But you knew that all along, right?
2 squib // Jul 30, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Sorry Til, I meant it would be a wonderful replacement because it’s got more fur
I quite seriously don’t know this Dunst woman but she must be getting on cos Superman is quite old now, no? No idea what vampire child? *sigh* I’d better google it I suppose…
Oh! She was Marie Antoinette. That was an odd little film
3 Matilda // Jul 31, 2008 at 1:00 am
Argh. Spiderman’s girlfriend - damn, I hate it when I mix up my pop culture.
Interview with a Vampire - she was the bloodsucking child in that. Oh, and she played Amy in Little Women. Damnit, she’s much more famous than Kirstie Alley!
4 Ben // Jul 31, 2008 at 3:35 am
Also, the last Superman movie was in 2006, so if Kirsten Dunst was Superman’s girlfriend, she wouldn’t be that old. But she isn’t, she is, as Matilda says, Spider-man’s girlfriend, and the fact you don’t know that means you probably missed most of the best jokes in Guanacoman.
Good review though.
5 squib // Jul 31, 2008 at 9:56 am
When I play Trivial Pursuit I avoid the pink (pop cul) and the orange (sport) squares like the plague
I’m a green and brown piece of pie person. Yellow’s OK too
6 Ben // Aug 1, 2008 at 6:29 am
That’s why I would smash you at Trivial Pursuit.
7 Perseus // Aug 1, 2008 at 8:38 am
I get my first five wedges in Trivial Pursuit in SECONDS… then I hover hopelessly around the Science and Nature (green) wedge spot for hours until everybody else has finished.
8 squib // Aug 1, 2008 at 11:22 am
I really hate those people who not only answer their given questions but elaborate with a further five minutes of information which is not even on the back of the card
9 Ben // Aug 2, 2008 at 12:55 am
Why do you hate knowledge so?
10 squib // Aug 2, 2008 at 9:57 am
Wait there’s more!
I also really despise those people who do that Freddie Mercury thing when they get a piece of the pie, ‘no time for losers, cos I am the champion of the world’ etc
11 Ben // Aug 3, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Who the hell are these idiots you’re playing Trivial Pursuit with?
12 squib // Aug 3, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Let’s just say people with serious issues
But wait there’s more! Another time this other person tried to wrestle the board off me and it got torn in half. Luckily that was my mum’s version of the game so my board is still OK
13 warthog // Aug 3, 2008 at 9:24 pm
People do get carried away with Trivial Pursuit but even being stuck on getting the last cheese isn’t as bad as Monopoly.
All that paying huge rents and having to mortgage yer property…and then all the rents coming in that you could pay your rents with go to the bank.
And you just go down and down and down.
Too much like real life, in my opinion.
14 Ben // Aug 4, 2008 at 1:02 am
Was it your mum who tried to wrestle it off you?
15 squib // Aug 4, 2008 at 10:02 am
It doesn’t have to be that way Wart. If you buy everything at the start you just go up and up and up!! It’s so satisfying making people mortgage their properties and watching them sweat as they make their way around the board like it’s landmined whereupon they finally land on Mayfair and you own it and its 3 hotels… happy memories!!
I’m not a big fan of Scrabble, as you know
NO it wasn’t my mum! It was a dear old friend who sometimes drops by here and she will be really mad at me now
16 Ben // Aug 9, 2008 at 10:49 pm
You can’t have three hotels on one square, that’s cheating.
17 squib // Aug 10, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I would never do something like that but Warthog would. He uses French words in hangman and so on. He’s a bit of a desperado
18 warthog // Aug 11, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Yes, and why do I beg, steal and borrow, I hear you ask.
Cos I bloody have to, that’s why.
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