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At a cafe in East Fremantle on a Sunday afternoon. Temperature: 35°C 

Pre-ordering

Squib: [to BigSquib] Shall I just order something for you?

Bigsquib: Can I have a look?

Squib: OK go and have a look then.

[Five minutes later]

Bigsquib: Can you pick something Mum?

MrSquib: It’s hot.

Squib: This isn’t hot.

BigSquib: It’s really hot.

Littlesquib: I’m hot.

Squib: This isn’t hot, what is wrong with you people?

Ordering lunch

Squib: My 4 year old wants just bacon. Can we get some of that on a plate?

Waitress: Sorry, we stopped doing breakfast at 12. But you can order a BLT sandwich

Squib: OK can I order the BLT without the sandwich part?

Waitress: (talking as she writes it all down) So without the bread, without the lettuce, no tomato, no mayo, and I’ll put in brackets I.E Just bacon?

Squib: (thinking *Ican’tbelieveyoujustwroteallthatdown*) Ta, yes.

Waiting for lunch

Bigsquib: Mum you’ve got an eyelash on your face.

Squib: Has it gone?

Bigsquib: No, it’s still there It’s stuck in one of your wrinkles

Squib: WHAT did you just say?

[LittleSquib now knocks Ribena all over the table]

BigSquib: It’s so hot.

Squib: This isn’t hot. You don’t know the meaning of hot.

During lunch

MrSquib: There’s a guy sitting at the table behind you in a blue shirt, I think we know him. Isn’t he your cousin?

Squib: (performing a subtle 180 degree head turn) Oh I know, yeah that looks like him. Do you think that’s him?

MrSquib: It looks like him

Squib: Yeah it looks exactly like him. I wonder if it’s him?

MrSquib: It might not be.

Squib: Should we ask him? Should you ask him?

MrSquib: I’m not asking him. He’s your cousin, you ask him.

Squib: But maybe it’s not him. How come we think we recognise him but he doesn’t seem to recognise us?

MrSquib: It’s probably not him.

Squib: No. It looks like him. I think it’s him. Do you think it’s him then?

etc etc etc

After lunch

Squib: It’s hot.

MrSquib: You just said it was snowing before.

BigSquib: Yeah Mum.

[everyone lampoons poor Squib]

On the Way out

Squib: BigSquib you ask him if it’s him as we go past.

BigSquib: No! OK, what do I ask him?

MrSquib: You can’t get her to ask him.

Squib: No don’t ask him then, let’s just go. Can’t you ask him?

MrSquib: No.

etc etc etc out to the car

In the car

Squib: I’m sure it was him.